[Plain Old Jane]

"Today in the news, a young man was found hunched over his computer monitor today, apparently dead from a heart attack. Forensic investigators say the young man was looking at "dark elf" porn on the internet and masturbating when his mother jostled the door handle to his room. The fright sent him into psychogenic shock and his heart stopped. An autopsy revealed an extreme amount of fat in his pericardiam, doctor bigles of the canadian center for Debilitating Addictions said the following, "As impossible as it may seem, Raditz had not moved the lowwer half of his body in 90 days." Doctors found that Raditz had apperantly given himself a colostomy bag with a butterknife and a plastic bag. The Man will be buried by being thrown into the fires of Mount Doom later today."